How to Annoy the Akatsuki for Dummies
by 1Skadu3
Summary: 1Skadu3 brings you your very own handbook on how to annoy the members of the Akatsuki! Each lesson provides a brief description on how to accomplish the task and possible consequences. Attempt at your own risk.
1. LESSON 1: KISAME HOSHIGAKI

_**How to Annoy the Akatsuki for Dummies.**_

_**PART 1: KISAME HOSHIGAKI**_

_Hello readers, in order to complete this task of how to annoy Kisame Hoshigaki you must first start by making sure that as you scroll down this page, you do not develop Carpal Tunnel. Also, it's strongly recommended that under any circumstances you do NOT attempt any of these without proper protection against the Akatsuki. 1Skadu3 IS NOT and WILL NOT be held responsible for any damage done to the reader. Now please place your hand/finger over the mouse/touch pad and scroll down to begin reading. If the reader is unable to understand the text, then he/she should just stop wasting their time and leave this page so that he/she does not pop a blood vessel. Once again, 1Skadu3 is NOT responsible for the welfare/death of the readers._

_Now, in these simple lessons, we will go over step by step on various ways to annoy Kisame Hoshigaki. If you are unable to comprehend this text, then you should have stopped reading by the second or third sentence of the text above, and immediately contact the nearest medical board, for you may be suffering from "Dumbass Syndrome". It is a very common, yet catchy illness that may affect anyone from the ages 12-83. If you understand perfectly, then please continue with the lessons:_

**LESSON 1: SAMEHADA**

_We all know how our favorite blue man adores his "baby", so if you truly wish to annoy him, this is usually the quickest way to do so._

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**POINT TO SAMEHADA, AND TELL KISAME TO BUY A BETTER TAMPON.**

There is no need to feel ashamed. It's about time someone has pointed it out to Kisame that his Samehada does indeed look like and oversized Tampon. (if the reader is unaware of what a Tampon is, then please return to your sex education classes or tell your parents that you are ready for the "Birds and the Bees" talk.) It is best for the reader to stand at least ten feet away from Kisame as you tell him this. If you told him this as you were reading it and have not gotten to this part by the time you have told him, then it is strongly recommended that you run as if your life depends on it. (Because it does.)

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**SINCE SAMEHADA WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE BUT ITS OWNER TO TOUCH IT, TALK TO IT. EVEN IF KISAME IS CARRYING THE SWORD. **

If you can't touch it, talk to it! Do not look at this page funny. You saw what was written correctly. Speak loving words to the sword. If Kisame asks what you are doing, simply glare at him, and tell him to give you and Samehada "alone time". At first Kisame may attempt to ignore you, however, after about five to ten minutes he should be irritated by your mere presence and/or shove you through a wall. If this still doesn't happen, then sniff it. This task should take no more than ten minutes to complete.

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**LURE KISAME AWAY FROM THE SWORD, AND WITH A STEEL POLE, ATTEMPT TO PUSH IT INTO A BOX, AND THEN SEAL THE BOX BEFORE HANDING IT TO YOUR LOCAL UPS OFFICE. MAKE SURE THAT THE ADDRESS OF THE BOX WITH KISAME'S SAMEHADA IS ANY ADDRESS AT RANDOM, AS LONG AS IT ENDS UP IN STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN.**

Hej! If we can't go to Sweden, why not send Samehada? Just be sure, that while you are doing this, have a friend come over and keep Kisame distracted as you prepare to ship the box containing the sword. However, it is more than likely that Kisame is standing in your doorway at this very moment glaring at you while holding the corpse of your now dead friend. This is when you run. If you have no place to run, then please exit through the nearest window.

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**PAINT YOURSELF BLUE AND CREAT YOUR OWN SAMEHADA.**

It would also help if you sing the song "Blue" by Eiffel 65. If possible, follow Kisame as you do this and declare that you are his twin. However, if you cannot follow him everywhere he goes, then wait and sing "Blue" whenever he enters the room.

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_Thank you for reading Lesson one of 'How to Annoy Kisame Hoshigaki'. Please take a few days rest before continuing on with the next lesson._


	2. LESSON 2: ITACHI UCHIHA

_**DISCLAIMER: Oop's…forgot the disclaimer…Well; we all know I don't own Naruto…**_

_**PART 2: UCHIHA ITACHI **_

_**WARNING: **__When attempting to annoy Uchiha Itachi, it is best to have a backup plan. The Uchiha is very unpredictable, so readers must be prepared for the worst. Once again, the author is not responsible for the welfare of the reader. Perform each given task at your own risk_

_._**LESSON 2: SHARINGAN**

_We all know that Itachi seems to NEVER deactivate his Sharingan, so you must remember to NEVER make direct eye contact unless you are suicidal or just plain stupid. If you are easily attracted to shiny or bright objects, it would be best for you to just not attempt any of the given suggestions. Also, Readers are suggested to be careful when looking at him. No, it's not because of his eyes, it's because he is very pretty, and you may be tempted to touch him._

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**POKE HIM.**

Although this may sound very simple, it is not. Itachi is very difficult to irritate therefore it may take many pokes to annoy him. Where do you poke him you ask? Easy! The answer is: It doesn't matter! You could poke him on the cheek, maybe you want to poke him in the eye, (This is guaranteed to annoy him much quicker than the other options. When doing this, tell him that you are trying to steal his eyes. Word of caution, be careful not to get YOUR eyes taken out instead) or if it makes you feel any better, you could even poke him on the ass! When doing this, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. If you are not confident enough to poke him without looking into his eyes, then blindfold yourself and poke him in a random fashion. (However, we strongly recommend that you at least attempt to aim for his eyes.) The only warning for this action is if he has had enough of your constant poking, be sure to quickly stand back (while avoiding eye contact) and protect both your wrist (he may attempt to break it) and your forehead. (He may poke you back there, but it is also possible that he may also attempt to break your forehead in the process.)

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**IF SOMEONE ASKS ITACHI WHY HIS EYES ARE RED, SPEAK FOR HIM AND TELL THEM THAT HE POPPED BLOOD VESSELS IN HIS EYES.**

You may need the assistance of a friend for this one. Also, when you first attempt this Itachi may stare at you oddly. DO NOT let his stare scare you! (Besides, it shouldn't! I already told you not to look at him!!) If you experience the feeling of an awkward silence, then please take cover in the nearest room and mope. After all, annoying Itachi isn't going to be easy. (Do not forget to take your friend with you if you wish to see him/her alive once again.)

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**STARE AT HIS NOSE**

When most people talk or address the Uchiha (either a friendly conversation or a battle) they tend to look at either his feet or anywhere but his face. You must do the same, but with a twist. Instead of the typical "look at his fore head" stare at his nose. He may become increasingly uncomfortable with this action. That is a good thing. Do not look at his forehead or past his head, this is too common of a reaction. If it makes you happy, let your fangirl/fanboy side take over and stare at whatever the hell you please! Just remember, when staring at his face, you must stare at his nose. (Once again for the thick-headed ones, DO NOT LOOK INTO HIS EYES!!)

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**SLAP HIM, AND THEN TELL HIM TO TAKE IT LIKE A BITCH. **

**(WITHOUT EYE-CONTACT!!)**

Of all tasks, this one proves to be the most dangerous of them all. You are only recommended to perform this task ONLY if you have become desperate enough to irritate the Uchiha: however, if you truly do enjoy living, then it is **STRONGLY** recommended that you **DO NOT** perform this task. However, if you were retarded enough to perform this task without reading this caption first as you may have done the first task on the first lesson, then don't even bother running. It's not like you could out run him anyways, after all, the man could kill a person with his eyes. As a matter of fact, he may have already killed you before you were able to read this caption, therefore, writing this would be completely meaningless.

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**CLAIM YOURSELF TO BE HIS LONG LOST LOVER.**

If you have not died as a result of the task above, or was smart enough to skip it and save it for later, then Congratulations! You have lived to see another day! However now you must claim to be his long lost lover, and don't look at this caption funny!! (Yes, I'm talking to you! Especially the girl in the black shirt who is giggling at the computer screen and receiving funny looks from the people around her!) You read correctly, claim yourself as his long lost lover, even if you are a straight male. You must make it seem convincing; otherwise you would just be wasting your time with attempting to annoy Itachi and making a complete ass out of yourself. (Unless you do this often, then you really have nothing to worry about.)

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**TAKE A LIGHTER AND A SPRAY CAN AND MAKE THE FIRE FLARE.**

If you have never attempted to do this, please ask your local pyromaniac for help. He/she would be more than happy to show you how to do this free of charge. Place the spray can and lighter to your lips and act as if you are performing the Katon justu. (Word of caution: Please spray _**AWAY**_ from your face or else you _**WILL**_ catch fire.) If this does not work, then please return to the first task and repeat this entire chapter.


	3. LESSON 3: DEIDARA

**PART THREE: DEIDARA**

_**WARNING**_: _Deidara is extremely temperamental. If you choose to attempt any of the given tasks, you are putting yourself into danger, however, if you are thinking along the lines of 'Well Shit? What the hell! Let's do it!' then you may proceed to the next part. It is strongly recommended that you check to see if you have Health insurance before continuing. If you receive medical help free of charge, then good for you! You must have done something right! And no glaring at the computer screen, please. That's not nice._

**LESSON 3: DEIDARA'S EXPLODING CLAY**

_ART IS A BANG, UN! Yes, if you are a fan of Deidara, you most likely have heard this and quoted it often. In order to escape from Deidara's grasp when annoying him; you must learn the art of escaping from Deidara's 'Art'. Basically, if he throws anything at you, run like hell, don't even look back to see what it was that he had just thrown. (__A warning for animal lovers__: If you see a 'cute' and 'cuddly' animal that just so happens to look or feel like clay, chances are that you are going to die within the next few seconds.)_

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**PLACE TOILET PAPER INTO THE MOUTHS ON HIS PALMS. **

Don't tell me that you have never thought of sticking something other than clay into the mouths! No really, don't tell me. Anyways, this is something that you could do if he is either sleeping or has lost his arms once again. Chances are that he would most likely scowl or give you an irritated glance. This is what you want him to do! However, he may ask why you have done this, but do not fret! Simply tell him that you wanted to see if his hands could choke or that you wanted to see if toilet paper could explode. He will glare at you, so do not be startled if you suddenly find a pair of hands (Or legs if his arms have been detached) around your neck. If this happens, just tell him how much you…'love' his art and ask him for a demonstration… (Readers should be extremely careful on how this is worded…)

(Also, if it is possible for the toilet paper to explode, then kindly ask Deidara to make three more rolls of explosive toilet paper and place the rolls in Itachi's, Kisame's, and leader's bathrooms. Don't worry they will blame Deidara in the long run, after all, Deidara was the one who turned the toilet paper into explosives.)

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**WRITE A FIVE-HUNDRED WORD ESSAY ON HOW ART IS ETERNAL. (OR PRETEND TO)**

Since Deidara thinks that anything that is eternal isn't art, (He is very touchy about his art) write a full detailed essay on it. He will most likely begin to rant about how art is fleeting. If this happens, simply tune him out, or if you are feeling bold, let him know that you think he talks too much. Once again, Deidara will attempt to kill you with his exploding clay, so to get out of this mess, simply tell him:

"_Tobi made me do it." _Deidara will most likely redirect his attacks on the poor masked shinobi. However, is Tobi is not around, then break the nearest vase and tell Deidara how you thought it was beautiful to watch the shards fly across the room and into Kisame's eye. If he is still unconvinced, then immediately leave the room.

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**PUT ALUMINUM FOIL OVER ONE OF YOUR EYES AND THEN TRY YOUR BEST TO COVER IT WITH YOUR HAIR.**

After you receive either awkward or irritated glances from the people near you, tell Deidara that you also have a scope while pointing to the aluminum foil. Once again, Deidara will begin to rant about how his scope works, and eventually he will start ranting about his art. Put an end to this by making bird sounds and if possible, simply tell him to shut up. If you decide to speak to him at all, end your sentences with either a 'un' or a 'hn' and every now and then use a 'hm'. Is simpler words, grunt at the end of each sentence. If Deidara suddenly becomes quiet, then RUN. Once again, do not stop to see what he is throwing at you. It could be a chair, or it could be your grandma, but worst of all it could be a bomb. If you wish to bring some sort of a diversion, then find the nearest television set and put it on Telemundo. (If readers are unaware of what telemundo is, then please refer to the internet. Also, do not say that you don't have access to the internet. I know you're lying.) If this fails, then once again, tell him that Tobi made you do it.

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**WHENEVER DEIDARA ENTERS A ROOM, DUCK UNDERNEATH THE TABLE AND SCREAM 'TERRORIST!!'**

Honestly, after the first few tasks, it would actually be very wise to duck after shouting this. He may still be upset over the whole 'shove toilet paper into his palms' thing. Anyways, this specific task may not only agitate Deidara further, but it may even scare the hell out of the others around you, (most likely old ladies) causing them to run blindly around the area in an attempt to escape. (Warning: Do not get ran over in your own stampede. That would just suck.)

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**SHOW HIM THIS PAGE.**

For this task, the reader is recommended to idly approach the bomb-artist and casually show him this page. Deidara may at first smirk or chuckle and then try to snatch your laptop/computer/PSP away from you, but as soon as he touches the machinery tell him that you love him and that he is the only woman that has ever caught your eye. (Once again, it doesn't matter if you are a biologically male or female, just do it!!) Telling him this may cause him to freeze all movement. You are recommended to use this moment to quickly leave the area, because he will most likely want to make you a part of his 'Art'.

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**WHENEVER HE LOOKS AT YOU, SCREAM.**

You are required to do this for about three hours. Do not make it seem as you were planning it. Whenever he walks into a room and you make eye contact with him, scream in terror. At first he may seem amused by this, but after the first three screams, he may try to either avoid you or make YOUR toilet paper explosive. (Warning_: Check all toilet paper rolls before use_.) Once he has had enough of you. Immediately leave the hideout and stay gone for about a week before returning.

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**WHENEVER HE LOSES HIS ARMS, KICK HIM.**

The only thing the reader must do after this is run away. Since he lacks the arms to make bombs, there is no need to worry about losing your own limbs. If it makes you feel any better, take his arms and RUN. He will most likely give chase and catch up to you, but since he cannot grab you, you only have to focus on running instead of dodging. Once you are sure that you have lost him. Tell Tobi that you are playing a game of 'capture the arms' with Deidara, and that he has to make sure that no one can catch him. Once Tobi takes off running, you can sit back and relax since Deidara will most likely have a more difficult time chasing down Tobi than he did with you.


	4. LESSON 4: SASORI

**PART FOUR: SASORI**

_**WARNING: **__When performing the tasks provided in this chapter it is strongly recommended that several hiding places and back up plans are prepared. Sasori is not at all patient and he doesn't like to keep others waiting, so chances are that he would not hesitate to physically remove you from his presence. All tasks are to be performed at your own risk; the author does not and will not claim responsibility for any injuries and/or deaths._

**Lesson Four: Human Puppet**

_Despite his seemingly mellow appearance, Sasori is quite impatient and standoffish. As a result, he is more than likely to show little to no interest in you or your accomplishments. This however, also means that it will take very little to irritate him. For this chapter, you will need a pen, clip board and a cell phone with the telephone numbers for all poison control centers within your area._

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**FIND OUT IF HE HAS A BRAIN**

We all know that Sasori's heart is the only living part of his body, but we all know that you cannot possibly function without a brain. Taking the pen and clipboard that was mentioned earlier, find Sasori while he is sitting quietly and observe him while pretending to take notes on him. If he sees you and demands to know what you are doing, pretend to be surprised and approach him. Immediately ask him how he manages to function throughout the day. Depending on your timing and his mood, he may either be offended/annoyed or confused/annoyed by your question. Take this moment to knock on his head. Should his head be solid, ask him if he has a brain. If it is hallow then tell him so, after all, he has every right to know. After doing this it is highly recommended that you begin running; as Sasori said himself, he doesn't like to keep people waiting, so chances are that you will receive no warning if he decides to attack you.

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**ACCUSE HIM OF PLAYING WITH DOLLS**

Whenever you happen to see Sasori working on one of his puppets, immediately accuse him of playing with dolls. As soon as you say this, Sasori will give you a dirty look (No, not _that_ dirty look) and tell you that his puppets are not dolls, but works of art. Use this moment to smile, agree with him and then call his puppets _action figures_ instead. By this point, he will become irritated with you and may possibly avoid you for the rest of the day.

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**REFER TO HIM AS GAARA**

Although the only real similarity they have is that they come from the same village and have red hair, you are to spend the entire day calling him Gaara. This task will be most effective if performed right after task #2—by this point he will be incredibly close to his boiling point. Should he decide to correct you, pretend to be apologetic and immediately refer to him as Gaara once more. This task may also be more effective if you have a friend help, so while you are unable to find Sasori (He may try to avoid you) your friend will temporarily take over.

_Do not be surprised if you find your friend lying next to the corpse of your other friend that assisted you with __Kisame Hoshigaki__._

Those who choose to perform this task are strongly recommended to keep an eye out for airborne objects, for it is possible that he may throw a few to several hundred needles laced with poison at you. If you have already been struck by a needle while reading this paragraph, please take the cell phone with the number to the nearest poison control center and make use of it. If you had neglected to bring the phone with the number to the poison control center, then forget everything that was written in this paragraph and immediately begin panicking. Don't worry what the people around you think; you're screwed anyways, so it's not like it really matters.

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**BUY HIM A NEW COMPANION.**

Let Sasori know that you feel his pain and wish to help him find a life partner. Should he look at you strangely and demand that you tell him what you are talking about, simply shake your head and walk away, telling him that he will meet "him/her" soon. Buy him a sex doll. (Should you have a low budget a male blow up doll will be fine.) Without telling him, leave the doll in either his bedroom or wherever he will most likely find it. This task works best if you put his name on the doll and leave it where others can see it. Should he decide to throw needles at you again, use said doll as a shield and run. If your friend from Task #3 had survived and you aren't running fast enough, throw your friend at Sasori to create a diversion. Use this opportunity to quickly leave the area and hide. Your friend may be pissed, but hey? Friends help each other, right?


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